O'Reilly Declares Victory In Christmas War, Loses Sanity In The Process

It was a good day in conservative land on Wednesday. The long, hard war to keep Christmas in America is now over...and I'm glad to say it is still here. O'Reilly discovered this war a few years ago (presumably in his closeted imagination) and has been on the attack ever since. He claims to have the secular progressives in retreat and that we can all go back to happier days from now on.

From The Huffington Post:

On "The O'Reilly Factor" last night, Bill O'Reilly — who boasts that he's leading the fight against the secular progressive "War On Christmas" (and who one columnist dubbed as leading the "crusaders for creches" ) — declared victory over the "Taliban-like oppression" of Christmas.

Because Bill O'Reilly saved Christmas, "all over the country, the sights and sounds of Christmas are on display. Few department stores are telling employees not to say, 'Merry Christmas.'"

And to those of you who think religion has no place in the public square, Christmas Crusader O'Reilly has seven words for you: "Joseph Stalin, Mao, and Fidel salute you!"

Christians are now rejoicing in town squares across the country after being so dangerously threatened. It is reported that Santa will now be able to come back to America to make his rounds in just ten days.

In other news, there are no leads on which insane asylum Bill will be received at. Most are too afraid for their own safety if they take the falafel king under their care.